The Sacrifice That’s Killing You (And How to Stop)

We all do it in some form or fashion. If you’re a parent, you do it for your kid. If you’re married, you do it for your partner. Hopefully, it’s reciprocated.

But here’s the truth I’ve learned: when you sacrifice yourself too much, you lose who you are. When you’re a giver surrounded by takers, they’ll drain you dry. That’s why boundaries matter, not because you don’t care, but because without them you get pulled into the darkness.

Being a giver means constantly reassessing relationships, choices, and decisions. It’s too easy to fall into the rut of pouring into others and waiting for something in return that never comes. That’s one of the Four Agreements: no expectations.

Think about it. We get angry when someone doesn’t respond the way we wanted. But did we ever actually set that expectation, or did we just assume? In those moments, we’re not really failing them: we’re failing ourselves.

Communication is the hardest thing we do as humans, no matter the language or the body language. Example: one parent calls the other, says, “The kid’s sick, came home from school with a fever.” The other responds, “Man, tomorrow was my day off, that sucks.” How does that land? Maybe the second parent was just venting, frustrated that nothing ever goes as planned. Maybe the first parent hears it as selfish, as if their partner doesn’t care. Daycares are Petri dishes. We make plans, and G-d laughs.

And then there’s work. Now that I’m a father, I understand why my dad was the way he was. In his mind, and mine, it was always about providing for the family. I understand even more now when my father once called me crying, saying he didn’t feel like a man because he wasn’t working, because in the housing bubble he lost everything. At the time, I didn’t get it. Now I do. More than ever, I get that.

Chefs are wired for sacrifice. Burnt arms. Aching backs. Sore feet that never stop throbbing. Missed holidays. Empty seats at your own table while you make sure everyone else eats. We give ourselves away one plate at a time. I’ve given up opportunities to keep the peace. I’ve stayed in toxic relationships far too long because walking away felt like failure. I’ve sacrificed jobs. I’ve sacrificed myself.

But here’s the part nobody tells you: there comes a point when the only way to stop sacrificing is to make the sacrifice for yourself. Let that sink in.

Because if you don’t, your body, your mind, your spirit: they’ll all quit on you long before you’re ready.

So here’s my challenge to you: look at where you’re bleeding yourself dry. Ask yourself if the people, the job, the habits you’re sacrificing for are truly worth you. And if they’re not: cut them loose. Choose you. Not because it’s selfish, but because it’s the only way you’ll have anything left to give here.